Where are the stylish older men? Internet dating - the woman's viewpoint Part 1

Internet dating is now big. But, despite its growth, I've been hearing a lot from woman friends of their disappointment at the poor efforts made by older men when dating. As a representative of the man over forty, I decided to find out more. What is the woman's experience? Where are men going wrong? What advice can be given to the older man looking to date successfully?

It's important that a man, younger or older, makes an effort with appearance when dating (Image Ste Johnson)

This e-mail is typical of the comments I've had from women of forty or more -

At the ripe old age of 44 - and with three small children -  I recently decided to dip my toe into the murky waters of internet dating. 

I was anxious and excited at the same time but there seemed to be a rather depressing recurring theme online. Most of the men I fancied were a good ten years younger than me. They were the ones who stood out from the crowd - presenting themselves with a decent haircut, a smart shirt or cool t-shirt,  some kind of "style" that said they still cared about their appearance. I wasn't specifically looking for someone who worked in fashion, or who was even particularly fashionable, but the men in my age bracket seemed to be stuck in some kind of sartorial rut. 

So I chatted to my other single forty-something friends about it and it seemed to be a common problem. Where are all the stylish single 40-something men? How difficult can it be to purchase a decent pair of straight-leg jeans, a grey or navy t-shirt or sweatshirt and a smart pair of trainers? This is not cutting edge fashion - it's just a smart, simple, casual and classic look that is easy to achieve whether it's from Top Man or Liberty. 

Do men reach a certain age and give up on looking after themselves? I would have thought most single men would be trying to make the most their looks especially as let's face it, with internet dating, you have one chance to make a good first impression and whether you agree with it or not, it's going to be based on your profile photos first and foremost. 

I discussed these matters with Grey Fox contributor, Sarah Gilfillan and she agreed to carry out a survey of women over 40 (contacted through Twitter, Facebook or social contacts) who've tried internet dating. We wanted to see what view they took of the men they met - were they trying hard enough? What could they do better? Is there any advice we can give here on Grey Fox?

'With internet dating you have one chance to make a good impression'

We'll give you the results of the survey, and some advice, later this week. Meanwhile, please let us have your thoughts and experiences, either by commenting below or by e-mailing greyfoxblogATgmailDOTcom.

NOTE: I'd like to thank Ste Johnson for his permission to use the images in this Internet Dating series. To see more of his wonderful work visit his website here.

How one visitor's comments contribute towards a man's search for style in middle age

Since starting this blog I have received many helpful and interesting comments. One of my most frequent contributors has been Fred Gonsowski, whose comments are wise and well-considered. I have learned a lot from him in my search so far for style in middle age. It is helpful to have the advice of others on any journey.

Mr Gonsowski maintains a blog at Fred Gonsowski Garden Home, which he illustrates himself with sketches and collage. He's obviously an artist and a man of great experience and understanding of colour and garden and interior design - please pay him a visit.

Here is how Mr Gonsowski has offered me his thoughts about my progress. Some of the minor detail is based on US tastes and probably doesn't translate to this side of the Atlantic (decorated belts and leather jackets), but the content is pure gold. I agree with the view that an older man should seek slim, modern interpretations of classics - my recent tweed jacket purchase here is just such. I will, as he suggests, try to show more of my experiments here on the blog (a rash promise).

Many thanks, Fred Gonsowski, for commenting with such humour and insight - you add greatly to my enjoyment of maintaining this blog. I have added your comments in full so that they may benefit others who, like me, are on a search for style.

"Fred GonsowskiApr 3, 2012 07:08 PM

Hi there Grey Fox... I looked through your articles, and I read your comment ..A Man's search for style into middle age and beyond. Looking at you, and the things you SEEM to be attracted to, this is MY opinion how you can realize your vision. Take it with a grain of SALT ;-}

First of all the tweed jackets and some of the other things you like say OLD MAN-TRADITIONAL. That is OK, but you don't want to be/look like your father. I think, to the things that attract you, to have a more CURRENT look, you have to mix in modern elements.

Start by going out and buying SLIM CUT-Low Rise jeans in the colors, dark blue, black, gray and brown. That silhouette says modern, and the shape is not that of your father's jeans.

Secondly buy some vertical striped shirts, that have wide stripes, and are colorful. Also buy some BRIGHT colored shirts to add to the stripes. Bright colors suggest YOUTH, and color has a way of reflecting up at a person's face, and makes them look younger. Gray, white, and drabs do nothing for the skin. With those kinds of colors add a BRIGHT color, to counterbalance them.

Third go out and buy some tweed, and other textured vests, to wear with the shirts and jeans. You can also put a Bright-Fun tie with them to make a dressy casual look.

Next think about shoes. To go with what you have, add an ankle high boot in leather, and a desert boot in suede.

After that think accessories. Look for belts, that have big sculptural buckles, some studs, grommets, etc. A knock out belt buckle can give a pop of visual interest to a rather plain outfit. Also think about a cuff bracelet or some other kind of jewelry to put along with your watch, on the same wrist.

You have solid socks, look into stripes, polka dots, etc. Try on different styles of hats.

A leather coat, will also give you a modern look.

When shopping look through clearance racks, etc for fun, but inexpensive additions to your wardrobe. BUY things that are in colors that go with what you already have. Bring/wear clothing that you want to match things to, when shopping. That way you will know if what you want to buy really works.

Finally, go into stores, and try on clothing that you think you would NEVER like. Clothing on the rack will look a lot different from the way it looks on you. Also try on the bold and bright, and odd balled of the fashion world. You and you alone will see how it looks when you try it on, by your self in the dressing room. I have tried on things at GUCCI that looked terrible on the rack, but were wonderful when I put them on. Also the bold and bright, takes a few minutes to get used to.

You know Grey Fox, you could now take all my suggestions, and go out and write and show the world your finds....Have Fun!"

My favourite shoes - Loake Chester brogues

Nearly ten years ago I badly damaged my right foot in a cycling accident (yes, another one). For a long while I thought I would no longer be able to wear my favourite shoes - brogues. I tried a few pairs of mid-priced brogues, but none were comfortable. Eventually I tried a pair of Loake Chester brogues. What attracted me to them was that they are made here in the UK, unlike many other leading brand (and pricey) brogues which are made elsewhere (India for example). The Loakes have turned out to be supremely comfortable, due partly to the supple leather of the tan calf uppers. They are beginning to acquire that patina of age that the best shoes show after a year or more's wear.

See Loake for more information.

Photo Grey Fox

Photo Grey Fox

Men dressing well - just relax

One thing I'm learning in my search for style in middle age is that if you feel self-conscious in your clothes you won't look relaxed and, as a result, will not look well-dressed. See what I mean here? The artificially posed "I know you're looking at my suit and hair" look.

Relax man!

Below we have examples of  the natural well-dressed look - Steve McQueen,  relaxed, at home in his clothes and self confident. I make no apology for also showing pictures of Prince Charles; look how at home he is in his clothes, even in the ultimate formality and discomfort of military uniform; that's true style (although maybe a minus point for the unbuttoned double-breasted jacket?)

Dress for your personality. Look for classic clothes you feel comfortable in, don't feel you have to dress as a peacock if you don't want to.

Patina and style - clothes, like people, can improve with age

I've grumbled before about the artificial ageing of objects like furniture and clothes and gave distressed jeans as an example. There was a point a few years ago when the more expensive the jeans, the more holes, scuff marks and stains they came with when new. Other sartorial mistakes include, in my view, pre-aged brogues and waxed jackets.

Distressed models and jeans!

Distressed jacket

A "pre-aged" shoe 

I love objects which have a patina of age, it represents a working history in which each blemish has a history and significance. However, buying a new item which has been artificially processed to make it look old and well-used smacks, to me, of dishonesty - of a sham or pretence.

In a throwaway society I can understand why people are under pressure to buy that patina of age, but the real thing is impossible to reproduce - so why not take the sustainable option of wearing your clothes out yourself, you will probably find they improve with age. Try buying an undistressed pair of jeans and wear them to destruction, they'll look great. Alternatively buy vintage clothes, with the patina already naturally and honestly created for you.

It's a shame we don't respect that patina of age in people as well.

Here are some objects showing an honest patina of age.

Vintage Irvin flying jacket

Photo The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

The older man - the secrets of dressing well

In my post of 23rd January in which I commented on The Sartorial Geniuses - aged 60 plus I showed a picture of the colourful gentleman illustrating the Telegraph article. 

It isn't necessary to go to these extremes of colour and style to be a stylish dresser.  To illustrate this, here are some shots showing the confident and unselfconscious use of more muted classic styles by older men.

I suggest that they succeed because they are dressing for themselves and not to follow latest fashions. Years of doing this has given them a confidence which is clear from their attitude and bearing. Compare these to the sometimes uncomfortable-looking younger men snapped wearing the height of fashion at the recent events in Milan and Paris and you'll see what I mean (I don't show any of those below). Is it possible that they, in their race to follow catwalk fashions, have forgotten the importance of expressing one's own individuality when dressing well? 

Let me know what you think.

The Sartorialist

Photo The Italian Cut (I think)

The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

Middle-aged man buys vintage tweed suit shock

I've been wanting a tweed suit for a while and last year got as far as visiting a local tailor to discuss being measured for one. It didn't happen, but idly browsing eBay one day I noticed one in my size, or thereabouts. A modest bid secured it and it turned out to be in excellent condition.

It's an oatmeal Harris Tweed suit of, I would guess, sixties or seventies vintage from the cut and label. It doesn't seem to have been worn much, although the material is so robust it would probably take several years of continuous wear before it showed any signs of use! The jacket is waisted with wide lapels.

A few alterations were needed, jacket shortened and shoulders taken in, trousers slightly altered and turn-ups fitted. I bought some new leather buttons as some were missing. One day I'll post a picture of Grey Fox wearing it.

A vintage man bag - a 1944 "Satchel Signal"

By "vintage man bag" I mean that the bag is vintage, not the man!

I'm laid up with a fractured knee following a cycling accident and using crutches means that I need a bag to hang around my neck to carry book, newspapers, phone etc. around the house. I have to thank my assistant for helping me get this post online.

What better than my vintage military "Satchel Signal - ZA 6282", bought at a cycle jumble a few years ago. I suspect it was used by motorbike messengers during the war. Maybe something for Nigel Cabourn to reproduce?

P.S. Having written the above I Googled "Satchel Signal" and, would you believe it, found a mine of information. Is there anything somebody DOESN'T collect? Apparently it would have been usually used for headsets for radios. Here's a link if you want to know more.

Suits to die for video - classics for older and younger men

I make no apologies for showing another excellent Mr Porter video. The two checked suits (the brown tweed and Prince of Wales) at the beginning and end of the video are stunning examples of the classic tailoring that is ideal for the older man seeking stylish clothes. See how they are matched with the shirts and ties and worn with quality shoes - great stuff!

Interesting touches - another video from Mr Porter

The perils of cycling on frosty roads early in the morning hit me hard on Monday when my bike went right as I went left on an icy roundabout and I fractured my left patella.

I'm not comfortable sitting at the laptop for too long, so will take the easy way out and post one of Mr Porter's excellent videos. I'm a great fan of Sir Paul Smith, as an older man of style and a keen cyclist he gets my vote on two counts - see if you can spot the cycling touches on his person and in his office (no prizes, it's not hard).

I posted another Mr Porter video a some days ago - have a look at that as well and see their excellent website.

A hat - a must for the older man

I was interested to see from GQ magazine's photos of this year's Pitti Uomo (see my post of 14th January) how many men were wearing hats similar to the trilby which I bought in Dorset a couple of weeks ago. I doubt that the fashion world is rushing to emulate my purchase and assume that I have unwittingly hit a trend at the right moment.

But I realise now that a hat has many advantages as a man thins on top. The warmth is welcome on a cold day and the brim's shadow hides many a blemish.

Anyway, here is Grey Fox walking the dog and wearing a brown rabbit fur trilby (full story of the hat here). Jacket is Ralph Lauren, brogues Loake Chester 2, English tweed scarf and (ancient) jeans both from Marks and Spencers (can we mention them in fashion blogs?).  Below are pictures courtesy of Tommy Ton and GQ.

Pitti Uomo GQ video - style inspiration for the older man

A little over a year ago I began to wonder what middle-age had to offer me as a man in terms of fashion and style. Was I really heading for a life of grey Velcro strap shoes, non-iron shirts and nylon jumpers?

Idly I Googled and found a few fashion sites and blogs. Of these, The Sartorialist stood out and it was his photographs of men of my age at something called Pitti Uomo that gave me ideas of how I could begin to search for a style of my own. Men of all ages can look well-dressed; youth offers no great advantages as the GQ video, linked below, of this year's Pitti Uomo illustrates so well.

The Sartorialist - Pitti Uomo

The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

The Sartorialist

 I'm still don't know much about Pitti Uomo, although it's obviously a show where fashion designers and retailers show their wares. I know little about this side of fashion. My possibly inaccurate view of this world is of one where everyone has to look devastatingly gorgeous and where models have starve themselves to find work, so what's refreshing about The Sartorialist's photos and those on the GQ slide show is that they show people who are not models and are therefore relatively normal-looking but stylishly-dressed. This means that it is easier to see how clothes affect their style, something not easy on the sterile and unrealistic backdrop of a professional model.

Here is a link to GQ's excellent slide show of this year's Pitti Uomo, just finished. It's interesting how classical many of the styles are, or maybe laymen like me just assume wrongly that fashion people all wear wild and wacky styles. The more classical the style the more it suits an older man (in my view).

Tommy Ton's Street Style: Pitti Uomo Style: GQ.com

Above and below are some of The Sartorialist's pictures that had me thinking a year or so ago -

New Year thoughts - selling fashion to middle-aged men

I found an article on-line about marketing to middle-aged men. Much of it is rather patronising to those of us in that demographic, but it's interesting to read that -

"The baby boomers (who are currently the middle-aged) make up the largest demographic out there and the better a company can market to them, the higher their profit and popularity will be....
This generation of men don't consider themselves old (everyone is always saying things like "50 is the new forty" or "60 is the new 50" when referring to age). If you market something to them with any indication that they are a member of the aging, elderly population, your ad will definitely fall flat and turn this demographic away.
The middle-aged man is somewhat of a complicated demographic. There are many factors to consider. The key is to find the right balance of old and new. Once the baby boomer demographic is tapped effectively, any company will benefit from this huge group of consumers". See full article.

The Sartorialist

I wonder why we are so persistently ignored by the fashion industry, particularly when we are a relatively well-off market? Most clothes are aimed at a much younger market. Clothing aimed at an older customer is often dowdy and ageing in style.

Is the problem of reminding a man of his age perceived as insuperable? Is it that men are not interested in fashion beyond a certain age, or do retailers assume that we all want to dress as teenageers, in trainers and baggy low-slung jeans?

The answer, of course, is to sell some good classically-designed clothing to young and old alike, rather than simply concentrating on the younger market to the discomfort of others. A few of the larger retailers who seem to me comfortable with this are Paul Smith, Ralph Lauren (although the unnecessarily youthful marketing of their Rugby stores doesn't appeal to me), Mr Porter and (at the more budget end of the market) Massimo Dutti (links below). Maybe, with some of these businesses, the presence of middle-aged men at their helms keeps their marketing inclusive!

What do you think?  Do you agree?  What other fashion retailers aim successfully at middle-aged and older men?

Once again I turn to The Sartorialist, who took the shots below, to show the stylish older man in all his glory!

Links - Paul Smith, Ralph Lauren, Rugby, Massimo Dutti, Mr Porter.