Dating in mid-life by Rebecca Perkins

I've tackled the topic of dating on the blog before. We think of online dating as something younger men do, but the proliferation of dating services for older people suggests that it's popular with all ages. I want to introduce you to a dating service that provides a full package, dating profile, photographs and much-needed advice to those unsure how to proceed. Hey Saturday is run by Saskia Nelson, photographer. She works with Rebecca Perkins, a dating profile expert, author and lifestyle coach. They help men and women create effective profiles and photographs for online dating (links at the end of this feature).

Rebecca Perkins and Saskia Nelson of Hey Saturday

I invited Saskia and Rebecca to tell us about their service and they offered to photograph me as if I were a client seeking a partner. The feature is illustrated with some of these images to give you an idea of a profile image (not because I'm dating!). I really enjoyed working with Saskia and Rebecca and can only suggest that you try this excellent dating service. I asked Rebecca to give some general advice to those who are dating in middle age and after:

Success online dating for the midlife man by Rebecca Perkins

So, you've got to mid-life and it's possible that online dating wasn't part of your life plan. But you're here and you can either put on your elasticated waist trousers and sweatshirt and settle down for old age or you can embrace the change, have some fun as well as learn a bit about yourself. Grey Fox writes about his search for style as he got older and how it gave him an enhanced sense of self. The work I do with men and women is all about improving self esteem and reinventing midlife so when he invited me to write about dating in midlife I was delighted.

"Get some great photos for your dating profile. Nothing screams can't be bothered more than a blurry selfie taken in the bathroom".

Online dating can feel both terrifying and exciting. You’ve no doubt heard plenty of horror stories from both male and female friends. Have you heard about the great successes too? Here's what I've learned during my time online dating in midlife: 

Use it as a time to get to know yourself a bit better. Know what's important to you in life. Spend some time thinking about your values, the things that act as your guide in life - integrity, open-mindedness, honesty, family… believe me it makes online dating much easier when you know what you’re looking for.

Image of Grey Fox by Saskia Nelson of Hey Saturday

Get used to feeling uncomfortable. Online dating for the first time can feel very uncomfortable. We often hide behind a lot of old beliefs being fearful of showing any vulnerability. Remember that we're all in the same boat and the moment you can be open and honest the easier it becomes.

Use good quality photographs for your dating profile. Nothing screams can't be bothered more than a blurry selfie taken in the bathroom. No one will take you seriously if you've not made some effort to get some decent portraits. Hey Saturday is a niche dating photography business and we understand the need for the best photos.

"Style is so much more than what clothes you wear, it's about becoming comfortable in your own skin, wearing the clothes that make you feel great about yourself". 

Do what makes you confident. What do you love doing? Do more of it. Divorce and the fall out can really knock our confidence and self esteem and it’s easy to slip into a closed off world where we feel ‘safe’. Taking steps out of our comfort zone is really important. Remember the things you loved to do and start getting busy again. Running, wood carving, furniture restoration, cycling, mountain biking…. whatever gives you a buzz make time for it every week.

Write a stand-out dating profile. I've read too many cliché ridden profiles in my time, believe me! You will be noticed among all the other profiles out there if you've made the effort. 

Image of Grey Fox by Saskia Nelson of Hey Saturday

My credo for an effective profile is 'show don't tell'. We all know that you've got a good sense of humour and that you like walking the dog or curling up with a glass of Merlot with the latest Indie film on Netflix.... but you can do so much better than that. A dating profile is your press release, it's your chance to show potential matches you on your very best day. You want to be saying, ‘hell yeah, I’d date me’ about your profile! I love working with clients to help them create their very own irresistible dating profile.

Style is so much more than what clothes you wear, it's about becoming comfortable in your own skin, wearing the clothes that make you feel great about yourself. I know from personal experience that when I'm wearing clothes, shoes, jewellery that makes me happy and feel good about myself I know I'm going to perform better, I'm going to feel more successful in life. The same goes for what you think and say about yourself. Do you speak nicely about yourself or do you give yourself a hard time?

Image of Grey Fox by Saskia Nelson of Hey Saturday

Give yourself the best chance of success. Make the effort now even before you’ve registered online by doing the things I’ve suggested. I know how daunting it can feel but it’s so well worth putting in the effort now. Do you need to get in shape? Lose a little weight around the middle? Could you do with a shopping trip to sort out your wardrobe? Could you do with spending a couple of sessions with a coach to sort out your self talk? Do you need to book yourself a session with a photographer? This is all about highlighting you, the new midlife version of you. Isn’t it worth it?

Links:

Hey Saturday

Irresistible Dating Profiles

Note by Grey Fox: This is an unsponsored feature. I invited Hey Saturday to write for the blog because I receive many comments from older women who are dating online that often men make little effort. This feature is not only for them, but for anyone contemplating dating: like anything in life,  you need to work at it.

Dressing for a date: advice to a man

This is the long-awaited conclusion to a series I wrote last year, with much help from female readers and from the blog's own Sarah Gilfillan. It followed many complaints from women about the lack of effort made by men (older men in particular) on dates. 

The complaints are discussed in the previous blog posts on internet dating, for which, click here. The solutions the the problems discussed are self-evident, but below I've set out some Grey Fox pointers for the older man dating in middle age or later.

Dressing and preparing for a date:

1. Show that you care by demonstrating that you've tried hard with your appearance. You may not always get it right - the woman won't be expecting David Gandy - it's the effort and the thought that counts.

2. The same goes for the photo that you use online. Don't use an image of you in your budgie smugglers on the beach last year, from your employers' website, or picking up your degree certificate 20 years ago - select a photo that shows you as you are now in smart but casual clothes. 

3. Wear smart, good quality, clean and, above all, well-fitting clothing - jackets, good quality knitwear. Go for smart casual with style. 

4. Avoid busy, mismatching clothes. If in doubt, select plain, well-cut styles. 

5. Accessories can add to a stylish look, showing that you've thought about your appearance. 

6. Soft tactile fabrics go down well.

7. Wear good shoes. Poor or dirty/worn footwear will spoilt any look. 

8. If you go for jeans, wear dark raw denim that fits well and isn't artificially distressed. 

9. Good grooming is essential. Clean, scrubbed, smelling nice, minimal excess hair. 

10. Are your teeth well looked-after and clean? If your breath smells, visit a dentist, get advice, use a breath-freshening mouthwash such as the excellent Ultra Dex.

11. If in doubt, get style advice from a knowledgeable friend, a stylist like our own Sarah Gilfillan of Sartoria Lab or read a good men's style blog like Grey Fox Blog. 

12. Make an effort; you can be sure that your date will have done. Show self-respect, and respect for her, by trying your best. It's not my place to tell you how to behave during the date, but show interest, ask questions, don't just talk about yourself. 

13.Enjoy yourself! 

Finally, I want to add the anonymous comments of a female reader of Grey Fox Blog. Read, learn and digest:

"We all want to be loved for being ourselves, but if you don't love and respect yourself first then how can you really love and appreciate someone else, let alone be able to bring something meaningful to a relationship, especially as you get older? I'm not talking vanity here, just simple respect for self. 

The way we dress in part reflects all of the above, and one of the benefits of getting older is the feeling of freedom to wear what you want, when and where you want. Knowing that mini skirts are sadly long gone, you don’t have to slavishly follow fashion, but can now wear your personality on your sleeve - what suits you. 

If someone neglects their appearance (and it needn't involve big expense, often more time) it's a real turn off on especially on a date. I immediately think, 'nursemaid'. 

No-one’s perfect but it’s important to make the best of what you have and a well dressed man or woman is a joy to behold! It’s just common sense.

.

PS My sister who’s in her late 60’s and travels a lot, often in a shocking pink wool coat, gets so many positive comments from all sorts of people. Mostly around, ‘You’ve bought happiness to my day."

Come on guys, follow Grey Fox and you’ll get it right!"

With many thanks to Sarah Gilfillan, Ste Johnson, talented illustrator, who produced the images and the many readers who helped with this piece.

An internet dating survey: where are all the stylish older men? Part 2

In a previous post, Where are all the stylish older men? I revealed that women over 40 feel that many men they meet while internet dating make little effort over their appearance and style.

Fascinated by such complaints, Grey Fox contributor, Sarah Gilfillan, carried out a survey to find out more so that we could advise the older man how to prepare for an internet date.

Image Ste Johnson

This is Sarah's report on the information she gathered -

I sent out a short survey to find out how women liked to see guys over 40 dressed and I thought it would be interesting to share the results with Grey Fox readers. 

In general terms, when asked how they liked their man to dress, women want to see a man looking smart, groomed, and wearing good quality, well-fitting clothing. There seemed to be a slight leaning towards soft tactile fabrics - like cashmere sweaters, velvet jackets and soft brushed cotton shirts - all the better to cuddle up to! 

It was pretty clear what they didn't like on their guys over 40: baggy jeans, bright logo tees, trainers, and poorly-fitting clothes. Men tend to wear over-large garments, which looks sloppy. There were a few comments about mismatched items - either in terms of colour/pattern/fabric or the styles ie: walking trousers and a smart shirt.

No one thought guys over 40 should stop wearing jeans, as long as they're dark, smart, fit well and are not too faded, ripped, skinny, or showing pants! Worn with a smart, plain t-shirt, polo shirt or casual shirt and perhaps a v-neck or half zip sweater, most felt that jeans are good weekend staples.

Many favoured boots for casual wear as an alternative to trainers - desert boots, Chelsea boots, Redwing boots all came up as ones they liked. The other favourite was the ever popular pair of brogues.

For a smarter look - going out for dinner - nearly all said smart jeans again, or trousers/cords and a shirt, possibly with a smart jacket and worn again with brogues or smart shoes. Interestingly, only one person said a suit. 

Nearly all of the women asked said that grooming was very important, but not overly groomed TOWIE style (which they found a complete turn off)! Most preferred clean-shaven, but some were happy with a beard as long as it was not too long or scruffy. All said regular haircuts were a must - even if there's not much left, it needs to be neat round the edges. Other aspects mentioned were tidying up nose and ear hair, and clean short nails - fingers and toes!! 

Image Ste Johnson

There were mixed views on aftershave - one said "lots so it wafts" and some said it wasn't important. It generally seemed that the ladies did like some sort of scent (I guess to denote that you're fresh and clean) but not to go overboard. 

One of the other things that cropped up was the importance of accessories, helping to make an outfit look groomed and smart and also contributing to a more modern, youthful look when chosen carefully. Colourful socks, good quality belts, bags and wallets plus hats - either flat caps/baker boy style/trilby (maybe as a distraction from thinning hair?) were items mentioned. 

Some of the brands the guys bought and the ladies liked were Nudie, Eton, Tiger of Sweden, Armani, Ralph Lauren, Joseph, Redwing, CP Company and Levi's. 

The overall conclusion was that simple, smart, classy and well fitted clothes work. You don’t need to try to be too young or fun, just find your own style and make sure it fits well! Update your look with interesting, quality accessories to keep it fresh and modern.

Every woman, bar one, said that it made their man more attractive to them when they were better dressed. Good advice!

But if you are feeling intimidated by this or think it's shallow, you might be cheered by the couple of girls who said "he's a bit of a scruff, but I love him" and "I knew I was marrying a scruffy muppet so no problem!" I would still argue though that you should get ahead in the dating game by not being a "scruffy muppet" but dressing well and giving yourself an edge over all the other men.

So, gentlemen, whatever you may think, the women's perception is that older men entering the dating game aren't trying their best. As one woman remarked, "We make all the effort only to find that the man hasn't even tried to look presentable".

Next week, in the final part of this series, we'll summarise with advice for the older man preparing for a date.

NOTE: I'd like to thank Ste Johnson for his permission to use the images in this Internet Dating series. To see more of his wonderful work visit his website here.

Where are the stylish older men? Internet dating - the woman's viewpoint Part 1

Internet dating is now big. But, despite its growth, I've been hearing a lot from woman friends of their disappointment at the poor efforts made by older men when dating. As a representative of the man over forty, I decided to find out more. What is the woman's experience? Where are men going wrong? What advice can be given to the older man looking to date successfully?

It's important that a man, younger or older, makes an effort with appearance when dating (Image Ste Johnson)

This e-mail is typical of the comments I've had from women of forty or more -

At the ripe old age of 44 - and with three small children -  I recently decided to dip my toe into the murky waters of internet dating. 

I was anxious and excited at the same time but there seemed to be a rather depressing recurring theme online. Most of the men I fancied were a good ten years younger than me. They were the ones who stood out from the crowd - presenting themselves with a decent haircut, a smart shirt or cool t-shirt,  some kind of "style" that said they still cared about their appearance. I wasn't specifically looking for someone who worked in fashion, or who was even particularly fashionable, but the men in my age bracket seemed to be stuck in some kind of sartorial rut. 

So I chatted to my other single forty-something friends about it and it seemed to be a common problem. Where are all the stylish single 40-something men? How difficult can it be to purchase a decent pair of straight-leg jeans, a grey or navy t-shirt or sweatshirt and a smart pair of trainers? This is not cutting edge fashion - it's just a smart, simple, casual and classic look that is easy to achieve whether it's from Top Man or Liberty. 

Do men reach a certain age and give up on looking after themselves? I would have thought most single men would be trying to make the most their looks especially as let's face it, with internet dating, you have one chance to make a good first impression and whether you agree with it or not, it's going to be based on your profile photos first and foremost. 

I discussed these matters with Grey Fox contributor, Sarah Gilfillan and she agreed to carry out a survey of women over 40 (contacted through Twitter, Facebook or social contacts) who've tried internet dating. We wanted to see what view they took of the men they met - were they trying hard enough? What could they do better? Is there any advice we can give here on Grey Fox?

'With internet dating you have one chance to make a good impression'

We'll give you the results of the survey, and some advice, later this week. Meanwhile, please let us have your thoughts and experiences, either by commenting below or by e-mailing greyfoxblogATgmailDOTcom.

NOTE: I'd like to thank Ste Johnson for his permission to use the images in this Internet Dating series. To see more of his wonderful work visit his website here.