Where are the stylish older men? Internet dating - the woman's viewpoint Part 1

Internet dating is now big. But, despite its growth, I've been hearing a lot from woman friends of their disappointment at the poor efforts made by older men when dating. As a representative of the man over forty, I decided to find out more. What is the woman's experience? Where are men going wrong? What advice can be given to the older man looking to date successfully?

It's important that a man, younger or older, makes an effort with appearance when dating (Image Ste Johnson)

This e-mail is typical of the comments I've had from women of forty or more -

At the ripe old age of 44 - and with three small children -  I recently decided to dip my toe into the murky waters of internet dating. 

I was anxious and excited at the same time but there seemed to be a rather depressing recurring theme online. Most of the men I fancied were a good ten years younger than me. They were the ones who stood out from the crowd - presenting themselves with a decent haircut, a smart shirt or cool t-shirt,  some kind of "style" that said they still cared about their appearance. I wasn't specifically looking for someone who worked in fashion, or who was even particularly fashionable, but the men in my age bracket seemed to be stuck in some kind of sartorial rut. 

So I chatted to my other single forty-something friends about it and it seemed to be a common problem. Where are all the stylish single 40-something men? How difficult can it be to purchase a decent pair of straight-leg jeans, a grey or navy t-shirt or sweatshirt and a smart pair of trainers? This is not cutting edge fashion - it's just a smart, simple, casual and classic look that is easy to achieve whether it's from Top Man or Liberty. 

Do men reach a certain age and give up on looking after themselves? I would have thought most single men would be trying to make the most their looks especially as let's face it, with internet dating, you have one chance to make a good first impression and whether you agree with it or not, it's going to be based on your profile photos first and foremost. 

I discussed these matters with Grey Fox contributor, Sarah Gilfillan and she agreed to carry out a survey of women over 40 (contacted through Twitter, Facebook or social contacts) who've tried internet dating. We wanted to see what view they took of the men they met - were they trying hard enough? What could they do better? Is there any advice we can give here on Grey Fox?

'With internet dating you have one chance to make a good impression'

We'll give you the results of the survey, and some advice, later this week. Meanwhile, please let us have your thoughts and experiences, either by commenting below or by e-mailing greyfoxblogATgmailDOTcom.

NOTE: I'd like to thank Ste Johnson for his permission to use the images in this Internet Dating series. To see more of his wonderful work visit his website here.

Ageless style in The Guardian - are attitudes changing? When will the fashion industry sell to the older man?

In an excellent article on 22nd February, The Guardian's Anne Karpf wrote about the rise of older fashion models and accompanied this online with a gallery, Ageless Style - In Pictures. While it was gratifying to see my image included in the gallery, I was more impressed that there is at least discussion about the topic. It's been a strong theme of this blog that the fashion industry needs to sit up and take notice of older men and women - a burgeoning and affluent demographic. 

While there is a long way to go, grey style now has its foot firmly in fashion's door. So, I fail to understand how hard-nosed commercial organisations can ignore a large market like the grey pound. As I'm reporting here on Grey Fox, the products are there, but the willingness to sell them to us, using older models and sophisticated sales campaigns, is absent.

Here are the links:

Ageless Style - In Pictures

Older models: the women in their 60s, 70s and 80s who are shaking up fashion

Grey Vixen writes: Careful, it jiggles! The Sins of Summer by Sabine Reichel

Introducing 'Grey Vixen writes':

I realise that many of Grey Fox's readers are women. They are either looking for ideas for dressing their partners with style, or maybe (vain hope?) they just like well-dressed older men. Whatever, I felt it was time to offer you, dear female readers, an occasional Grey Vixen column to give you relief from endless cuff links and boxer shorts - and highlight some fashionable female topics and views.

And, dear male reader, don't go away! Stick around for beautiful and stylish women; read about their jiggly bits (not my words, see below) and maybe get some ideas for nagging the woman in your life in retaliation for throwing out your favourite t-shirts.

Sabine Reichel

This first column is written by Sabine Reichel, former model, New York designer and long-time reporter and writer (in English and German) whose works include books (What Did you do in The War, Daddy? and Grey is Great) and columns in Huffington Post50.

I was delighted when she agreed to write a guest post for Grey Fox. Sabine has much to say about life and style as an older woman which resonates with what Grey Fox is all about. I'm hoping to post fairly regular contributions from her. Please let me have your comments and questions as usual!

Careful, it jiggles! The Sins of Summer
by Sabine Reichel

Let’s pretend it’s summer and it is really hot. You wear those little sleeveless cotton stretch-tops or even a dress with spaghetti straps the way you always did, all your life - without a bra, because you are of the sixties generation. Except you are 50 plus now, in terrific shape – for your age, as impolite people like to add - and it doesn't do any harm.

And then a girlfriend, a really good one (otherwise she wouldn't dare) says to you, 'Your upper arms jiggle!'. Which is just another way of saying, 'If I were you, I’d stop wearing sleeveless tops and not show the world my naked arms – at your age! And while you’re at it, wear a bra!'

Trim, athletic upper arms are a dream for many

That hurts - but let's investigate this summery topic to see how fashion-trouble can be avoided.

Trim, athletic upper arms are a dream for many (including myself - but excluding Madonna). Past fifty untamed flesh appears in all kinds of places. In younger years it’s luscious, firm and silky, the breasts sit proud and high – but then, all of a sudden it seems, the flesh is jiggly and moves about like jelly. But it is the truth – and it seems sometimes unfair – women have more loose flesh on their bodies than men. It's really nice as long as it wraps itself in perfect proportion around a trim body. (And I don’t mean like Lady Gaga’s real beefsteak-dress of last year!)

Madonna

Nora Ephron, the late, very funny American writer and author of the bestseller I Feel Bad about my Neck, knew a thing or two about the older body that seems to betray you whenever you look away as everything goes south when you hit fifty. She opted for turtle-neck sweaters and long sleeves and it's safe to say that she was never spotted bra-less at her fabulous New York lunches.

In my informal fashion-quiz which I do often for fun with girlfriends, I asked them 'How long can you go sleeveless and bra-less in public?' At the very most until your le fifties was the answer. Because no matter how fit you are, there are not only jiggling parts on your upper arms but strange and scary wobbly hills and fatty deposits right under your arm that don’t need to be exposed freely to strangers anywhere. And certainly not without a bra.

You should have a relaxed and loving relationship with your body

We all know the now older lady-hippies, don’t we? Once adorable super-skinny flower children and budding feminists who banned not only the bomb, but bras as well, they still have flowing grey hair, comfy shapeless dresses over natural bosoms, Birkenstocks and recycled shopping bags. I love hippies, I was one myself, and the idea of liberation on all fronts is always appealing. But while your mind and animals should run wild and free, bosoms of a certain age should not.

Who decides what is beautiful and fits the bill of propriety? Naturally, it is very important that only you yourself decides what is permissible at what age – it is an individual question of comfort and aesthetics. Of course, you should have a relaxed and loving relationship with your body and allow it some freedom, no need to wrap it in Spanx like a wounded knee.

Being in control when it comes to exposure

But there’s nothing wrong with being a little critical and in control when it comes to exposure. What are the real turn-offs when looking at other people’s bodies in public? Sadly, more older women than is good for them have an uninhibited streak when it comes to nakedness. I don’t like to stare at ageing armpits – it’s creepy. Sorry. 

So, I wear sleeveless stuff without a bra only at home or with close friends. But fashionable life goes on in the outside world. So, here’s the plan for a cool and pretty summer without exposing flabby flesh. 

Wrap a scarf or sole around the shoulders

First, get hold of a comfortable bra and consider these tips.

1. If you must wear a sleeveless dress – and it better be gorgeous – wrap a beautiful, feather light silk scarf or stole around the shoulders.

2. Layers are life-savers! Wear a slightly transparent long-sleeved stretchy shirt under the dress. Alternative: a flimsy long-sleeved chiffon blouse.

3. Get a short little silk or cotton cardigan (waist length), that you also can just hang casually over your shoulders if it gets too warm.

Now you’re all set!